Tag Archives: chris brown

Hello Goodbye

3 Feb

frank brownWhile most Chris Brown fans said Deuces after his 2009 altercation with Rihanna, I remained loyal, holding on to my Chris Brown poster (er…posters) and concert tickets, and refusing to decrease his large presence on my iPod. Though I knew Brown was likely not a man of character, I decided that his remarkable dance skills, catchy songs, and adorable smile outweighed his lack of integrity. Besides, it didn’t seem fair to judge him on a single incident. Fast forward almost four years, and Breezy has added to his list of misdemeanors a flight off the handle after a Good Morning America interview with Robin Roberts, a graphically unkind feud with twitter sensation Jenny Johnson, and most recently a brawl with fellow recording artist Frank Ocean. With the ever-growing evidence that Brown has not, after all, modified his behavior post-violence against Riri, I think it’s safe to respectfully decline renewal of my membership on Team Breezy. That being said, I’d like to formally end my relationship with the young Chris Brown with help from some of his, in my opinion, best hits. So here goes:

Dear Mr. Brown,

Thank you for providing me with music that enhanced many impromptu dance parties, intense runs on and off the treadmill, and pre-exam preparations. Unfortunately, recent outbursts of, to put it gently, undue anger on your part lead me to believe that we are not, after all, soul mates.

chrisbrown sidehood

I’m not quite sure why the side hood look didn’t stick.

I first fell for you when Run It was released, in 2005. Indeed, you certainly could run it, run it. Which is probably why you also wrote a song on your self-titled debut album about how [My] Man Ain’t [You], detailing your attractive features, including fly-ness and the ability to sneak out in the middle of the night. However, you took a sudden turn in Just Fine, where you admitted “God will give you someone so much better than me.” I guess towards the end of writing this album is when you realized no matter how fly and driver’s licensed you are, you’re still not as high-quality of dating material as, say, Jay Z or Kanye West??

Album number two, Exclusive, brought out a less stuntin’, more sensitive side to you. With You is downright soppy. But what girl wouldn’t want to be told over and over again, in different variations, “Cause if I got you I don’t need money, I don’t need cars, girl, you’re my all?” Add to this one Superhuman, in which a girl’s love imparts you with bionic strength, and you sound like nothing more or less than a hopeless romantic. If only this album was your sole appearance in hip-hop history!

breezy graffitiYou returned to your pimping, fresh to death roots with 2009’s album Graffiti. In Sing Like Me, you “don’t need no wifey,” nor do you “like it that much to put a ring on it,” yet are quite pleased by the ease with which you bring multiple girls “off to your room.” In retrospect, I’m ashamed at how much I once liked this song. It’s slightly sickening to think of how you made a game out of attracting casual romances, and then went so far as to write a song about the game’s success.

F.A.M.E. is a mostly fun, upbeat album. There are, of course, exceptions, including the truly horrendous Look At Me Now (though the Karmin version is quite outstanding). Yeah 3x encouraged me to “start living”; Beautiful People taught me “[my] beauty is inside…me.” So thanks for the words of wisdom, for once! Oh, and Deuces will be a tough one for me to let go of. Then again, this is likely due to my own struggle with anger management!

Finally, we’ve arrived at your newest album, Fortune. I’ll have you know I always took Turn up the Music very literally. Put in context alongside Don’t Wake Me Up and Don’t Judge Me, it almost seems like you committed a murder and are now trying to distract us with loud music and forget about it yourself…

I’m sorry to have been so acerbic, after so many years of being a faithful listener. I wish you all the best in future songwriting disasters and social mishaps.

Sincerely No Longer Yours,

Heather L. Dolan

…Goodbye to Chris Brown, but Hello to a new recipe! I’m quite proud of this creation – a skinny version of alfredo sauce and pasta. The major selling points are: it’s low calorie, contains few ingredients, is quick to make, and broccoli makes an appearance! Enjoy. And tweak, if you must. I admit the sauce lacks some visual appeal!

SKINNY ALFREDO SAUCE AND PASTA (Servings: 1)

INGREDIENTS: OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

1 cup pasta, uncooked

1 cup frozen broccoli

2 cloves garlic, minced

1/4 cup part-skim mozzarella cheese

1/2 cup 1% milk

Salt and pepper, to taste

DIRECTIONS:

Cook the pasta in boiling water. Meanwhile, cook the broccoli in a separate pot. Add a dash of water. Once the broccoli is thawed, add the garlic, cheese, milk, and S&P, reducing the heat to a simmer. Once the pasta is cooked, pour the broccoli and “alfredo sauce” over it. Eat.

CALORIES (per serving): 335

Pon de Replay

25 Sep

After a careful analysis of the tasteless selection of music downloaded onto my ipod shuffle, I’ve come to the conclusion that at least the lyrics aren’t so bland. A couple of posts back I jocosely commented on lyrical witticisms discovered in the genre gently referred to as ‘popular music.’ But these days I’m noticing the occurrence of some pretty strange lyrics, too. Albeit these odd bits of prose are typically nested into the song’s third or fourth verse, but nonetheless they are there. I’ve been baffled, even scrunch-faced, over these bizarre word combinations. I like to think that all the other artists out there take Jamie Foxx quite literally, and are blamin’ it on the alcohol. Because there is just no other excuse. Permit me to elaborate:

Chris and Rihanna, looking a bit dazed.

I like to ease into my exercise routine, and really most aspects of my day that I can get away with, by cranking up a Chris Brown hit. A current favorite is “I Wanna Be,” which clearly wasn’t written for Rihanna (verse 4: “wanna be the one that ain’t gonna hurt you …”) However it’s this line, “and [imagine] the tissue that you wiped your face with was my hand,” that makes me wonder if Breezy has ever blown his nose before. Is it just me, or is that crossing the line between lover and…well, nurses aide??

Karmin members Amy Heidemann and Nick Noonan are admittedly adorable.

To resurge energy levels, I’ll switch over to a peppy Karmin tune. Initially, “Brokenhearted” is a catchy little number about a  girl anxiously awaiting a phone call from a guy. But it rapidly degrades into a cry for help. She dives right into it, with: “Not a single word, sipping on a Patrón just to calm my nerves.” No, there is no such thing as casually sipping on Patrón. I think even the most seasoned Cancun resort bartender would be arranging a destination AA meeting for you at that point.

No comment.

This last one diverges from my exercise routine (but in case you were wondering, I like to wrap that up with Nicki Minaj!). The song has been grating on my nerves for quite some time, though, and I’d like to finally release the negative energy. The very first line in Katy Perry‘s chart topper “Firework,” sends me over the edge. “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag…” Stop right there, because no explanation will do. No, there has never been even one moment in my life where I’ve felt like a plastic bag. I mean, what’s next – will Katy soon be comparing human beings to vacuum cleaner bags too?

A small dose of quirky is somewhat refreshing. At least the aforementioned lyrics beat the stereotypical love song ones by a long stretch. And quirky can be refreshing in food combinations, too. Take the Waldorf salad – it is a bit strange to cover fruit in mayonnaise, but definitely delicious. Check out my quirked-out version of the Waldorf:

WALDORF SALAD:

INGREDIENTS: 

1 apple

10 grapes

1 Tbs. dried cranberries

1 Tbs. light mayonnaise

DIRECTIONS:

Chop the apple into bite size pieces. Split the grapes lengthwise. Combine fruit, cranberries, and mayonnaise in bowl. Eat.

CALORIES: 180

It could use a little crunch. Perhaps I should add celery next time? Tweak it to me, please!

Twist and Sprout

17 Jun

While most popular music is starved of melodic creativity, some  artists are “pop”-ing out unexpectedly witty lyrics. Or, at least, making an admirable effort in that department. I’m not so hip that I can give you examples gleaned exclusively from songs you were just tuning into in the car. But if you can withstand another throwback, much gentler than last’s week (only to 2005 rather than 1965), we WILL end up with the Biebs:

Chris Brown, sporting hipster glasses.

2005: On Chris Brown’s debut album, Chris Brown (and that’s the way to go when album-naming, if you want to make it big) the song “Ya Man Ain’t Me” has a concise set of lyrics. I appreciate Chris’s bluntness in explaining, to the girl dating the man who isn’t Chris Brown, the character flaws of said man. My personal favorite is the line: “He ain’t fly, he don’t even drive.” Excellent points – there is nothing worse than chauffering around your unattractive boyfriend.

The Dream, looking ever so sassy.

2010: The Dream, contributing to Drake’s album Thank me Later on the song “Shut it Down,” makes several witticisms. In his discussion of a girl who is apparently using her beauty to shut down towns and computers – she’s dangerous – The Dream sings: “Ice cream conversations, they all want the scoop.” Pretty pithy for the very same man who, when commenting on his divorce from first wife Nivea in 2004, said “Like, ’cause love isn’t just where it’s gonna end.” Don’t you think?

2011: Nicki Minaj, on her album Pink Love makes a memorable proclamation of her love  on the song “Your Love.” I find her ability to blend romance with classic action film brilliant, with this line: “For your lovin Imma Die Hard like Bruce Willis.

J. Cole, living the sideline story.

2011: J. Cole, on his album Cole World – The Sideline Story,  slips a clever wordplay into the song “Work Out.” Nestled between references to “jeans too fat for her” and “carolina blue kicks fresh off the scene” is the line: “Money can’t buy you love cause it’s overpriced.” A cynical spin-off of  the 1964 Beatles song “Can’t Buy Me Love,” but nonetheless a thought-provoking one.

A twofer – Nicki and the Biebs.

2012: We’re arriving at the Biebs, as promised. “Swaggie,” the term Justin Bieber introduced to the world on his latest single, “Boyfriend,” is likely the end-result of a happy and uneventful  upbringing in London, Ontario. I respect his venture, despite lack of experience in the streets of Brooklyn, to come up with a phrase or two fitting for those hailing from Canadian hoods.

If you’re going to tune into the radio, listen carefully – you might be surprised to hear a clever line or two now and then.  Speaking of surprises, I have a little food twist to share that you might just find as clever as Nicki’s Bruce Willis reference, or the Biebs’s creation of slang acceptable for use by those who grew up in the semi-hood. OK, no, my twist is not nearly that exciting. But here it is: the addition of vegetables to Easy Mac and flavored noodle packets, such as Knorr’s Pasta Sides.

EASY MAC ‘N SPINACH

INGREDIENTS:

– 1 bowl Easy Mac

– 1 cup fresh spinach

DIRECTIONS:

Prepare Easy Mac following the instructions on the bowl. After adding water, also add in the spinach leaves. The spinach leaves will cook with the noodles.

CALORIES: 230

KNORR’S PASTA SIDES + BROCCOLI

INGREDIENTS

– Any Knorr’s pasta side + required ingredients

– 1 cup frozen broccoli

DIRECTIONS:

Prepare the pasta side according to the instructions on the  package. Cook frozen broccoli and serve over pasta side. The best thing about this combo is leftovers. I like to save 1/2 of the pasta for the next day. I place the frozen broccoli directly on top of the pasta and leave it overnight; this ‘reconstitutes’ the pasta, because the water from the frozen broccoli oozes into it.

CALORIES (per 1/2 ‘Parmesan Pasta Side’ with 1% milk): 280

Tweaks – you could substitute another vegetable in either the Easy Mac or Pasta Side – broccoli might work in the Easy Mac, frozen asparagus in a Pasta Side. It’s your choice, your tweak.